Go Ahead And Order The "World Champs" T-Shirts

The Lakers won the Western Conference last night, ending the Spurs' chances at a repeat championship. The Lakers will face either Boston or Detroit in the Finals, depending on which team decides they want a grade-A ass-whooping.

In other news, Tim Duncan plans to spend the off-season looking morose and Manu Ginobili flopped on the walk to the team bus, saying "I just wanted to get them in before I had to pay for them."Let's be serious for a second. Boston can't win at home. Detroit's players are so old they're falling apart ("Our pets' heads are falling off!!). I honestly don't care who plays the Lakers, because once the conference finals were set, the choices were "team who has won a bazillion championships" vs. "team who has won a bazillion championships" vs. "most boring team that has won a bazillion championships" vs. "I hate the motherfucking Celtics". So I pretty much lose regardless of the matchup.

My Least Favorite College Professor

I had Intro Communications with JL (name removed) as a Junior; not majoring in the subject, just trying to get a few extra credit hours. I wrote a paper on the effects of "gunners" (people who over-volunteer in class) on the rest of the class, and it was damn good. I get home for the summer and get my grade back from him: "C". I emailed him and asked how that happened. He sent me my grade breakdown: 92% on the paper minus 26% for grammar errors = 66% D on the paper.

I FLIPPED OUT and asked him what my errors were. He told me that he counted off 1/2% for failing to put two spaces after a period before beginning the next sentence, and I did it 52 times in my 13 page paper. Needless to say, I was upset, and he told me that if I drove to the school (3 hours) he would meet with me in person and discuss it. So I did. When I met with him, we talked civilly and he told me that if I submitted to him that night a proposal on how to remedy the situation, he would consider it. So I drove home.

That night, I wrote him that I thought it was unfair to count an error incorrect when it wasn't concretely established to actually BE an error in the first place. Secondly, to count off every time was over kill, and to count off a half-grade or so would be much more appropriate. He responded by saying that he was disappointed that I was "haggling for a grade", that he had hoped for a critique of his grading style as a whole, and that my proposal was denied.

I wrote him a letter telling him of my plan to attend law school one day, and closed with the line, "I hope that one day, there comes a situation where there is something that you need my help with, and I look forward to denying you as happily as you have me." Not the most mature response, but it made me feel better.

So yeah, fuck that guy.

Things Rick Astley Would NEVER Do To You

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Talk About Your Crappy Situations...

The lone toilet in the International Space Station is not working properly, NASA officials say. The liquid waste part of the toilet has been jerry-rigged so as to work off-and-on, much to the elation of astronauts who don't wish to be constantly covered in their own urine.

NASA says that the toilet is of Russian design, which is not surprising, considering I envision Russians to usually be randomly defecating all over the place like the uncivilized swine that they are. I bet they've never even seen a real toilet. They just designed some piece of shit and NASA saw it and was like "What is it? I have no idea, but its got crazy letters on it and looks interesting. Let's spend $6.5 billion on it. But only buy one, because I'm positive it'll never break. Foreigners are known for their quality craftsmanship. Now, I'm going home in my Ford, since my Jaguar's in the shop again."

Note: Probably should include the link: SPACE TOILET BROKEN.

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, everyone's favorite Nazi-defeating, whip-cracking, snake-fearing, snarl-bearing hero, is back, thanks to George Lucas's inability to leave the past alone. After butchering his most famous trilogy, Lucas is back, with Spielburg in tow, to take a crack at the Indy series. Despite his best efforts, Indiana Jones IV remains entertaining, though not for a lack of effort.

Harrison Ford, nearing his 66th birthday, reprises the role he originated, and he does it quite well. Ford is still a convincing hero, seemingly able to athletically whip and jump like he did when he was younger; how much of this is real and how much isn't remains a mystery. In this tale, Indy is faced with helping a young greaser (Shia LeBouef) rescue his mother from kidnapping while simultaneously preventing the Soviets from obtaining a weapon derived from the ancient Mayans. Of course.

LeBouef is good in his role, as he seems to always be. I'm convinced that he will end up a huge movie star; if not now, then certainly after "Transformers 2" comes out (and "Eagle Eye" looks pretty good, too). He remains one of the funnier young actors out there, and this role, which could have been played very stiff and old, provides much of the comic relief in the film. Cate Blanchett plays the nasty red Commie bastard, which seems comically close to a Russian caricature, complete with bob haircut, leather costume, and think Ukrainian accent. She does fine, but she could have been exchanged for any number of actresses; her part seemed to demand little more than an over-the-top accent.

I had heard a rumor that this Indy movie would be made in the same fashion as the others, with emphasis on action rather than special effects, and that what effects were used would be implemented in a low-tech fashion reminiscent of the original three films. What I saw was something completely different, as several scenes employed extremely high levels of effects (not as high as "Speed Racer", more on par with "I Am Legend"). Unfortunately, these effects were not always well-done, and the climax insulted the integrity of the action in the original films.

I understand that the purpose of an Indiana Jones movie is summertime fun. To that end, Indy IV accomplished its goal. It made a ton of money ($140 million, last I saw, opening weekend) and everyone in the world and their brother went to see it. In the long run, it doesn't really matter whether it is a film worth remembering, because Indiana Jones is one of the most memorable characters in film history. Even so, I would be remiss to say that I thought it was a good movie. I thought the effects were clunky, the plot was so contrived to be almost unbelievable EVEN for an IJ movie, and the movie made the audience suspend belief in reality and the laws of physics so much as to make most viewers say, "come on!".

But it was fun, and exciting, and that's why I went to see it.

ROTTEN TOMATOES GRADE: 78% critics, 64% viewers

ANDERSON ELLIS GRADE: C+

Interpreting Rotten Tomatoes Ratings

In my experience using Rotten Tomatoes.com, I've found it to be a fairly useful tool in determining whether a movie is worth seeing or not. As opposed to newspaper reviews or random internet sites, RT.com balances critics and normal folk, and allows you to get a full picture of the review spectrum.

The RT.com "Tomatometer" measures reviews on the site. Anything above 60% is "FRESH" and anything below 60% is "ROTTEN".

The shorthand that I've developed is as follows:

HIGH CRITIC/LOW VIEWERS: The movie is a "film", and likely appeals mostly to critics and critic-types. Most likely not fun, usually heavy subject matter. This category produces the most Oscar contenders, though, so it might be a quality film.

LOW CRITIC/HIGH VIEWER: The movie is a fun one, and doesn't appeal to anyone who wants a heavy or "important" movie. These movies are the ones to rent when you don't want to think too much and just want to have a good time.

HIGH CRITIC/HIGH VIEWER: Perfect balance. Appeals to everyone. A must-see.

LOW CRITIC/LOW VIEWER: Pass.

Poll Closing

Only 4 days left to vote for your favorite Food Network chef! Poll closes at the end of May.

Also, proposals for next month's poll will be accepted in the comments to this post.

Ole Miss Baseball Makes NCAA Tournament, Prepares To Get Slaughtered By Miami

"Hey, did you hear we got screwed?"

After a Memorial Day weekend that saw the Diamond Rebels overachieve in the SEC tourney all the way to a championship-loss to LSU, the Rebels awoke Tuesday morning to the harsh reality of the NCAA tournament.

Ole Miss, seeded 3rd of 4 in their region, were placed in Miami's regional, the #1 team in the tournament.

The bracket looks like this:

(1) Miami (47-8) (4) Bethune-Cookman (36-20)
(3) Mississippi (37-24) (2) Missouri (38-19)

The winner of the region advances to the super-regional, most likely against Michigan or Arizona.

Its not an impossible road for the Rebels, as their last-seeded squad defeated the #1 team in the SEC tourney (UGA). But it certainly isn't the best matchup, and the Rebels better hope that Bethune-Cookman can pull out a USC-Stanford level upset.