Panthers Finally Dump Dead Weight

After a season of proving John Fox's increasing incompetence, the Carolina Panthers have FINALLY decided to dump annual wastes-of-space and sign players that might actually make a difference.

FIRST ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK:

DAN MORGAN, LB: FIIIIIINALLY! This guy gets concussions from playing patty-cake with his kids. Its unreal the amount of potential and talent Morgan had, but anyone who makes tackles with his face is bound to hurt himself out of the league in a matter of single-digit years. Sorry, Danny, but you can take that first-round draft contract and concussed diminished capacity for thinking and join your former Miami teammates at the Burger King drivethru.

MIKE WAHLE, G: I don't know too much about Wahle except that I was stoked when we signed him from Green Bay. He was good, just cost too much money, and drafting Ryan Khalil from USC last year inspired the team to go younger on the O-line, I guess. No hard feelings, Mike. Now get the fuck out.

DAVID CARR, QB: I almost did a backflip when I saw this. I'm so damn happy. Even though I was excited when we signed Carr, it took all of 10 seconds for everyone to realize that the reason he sucked in Houston was because he sucks, not the Texans. Well, lets not get ahead of ourselves: the Texans suck too. But Carr really sucks. Worst #1 pick ever. He might never play pro football again, and that would be sweet justice. He stole money from the Panthers last year by convincing them that he had potential.

RE-SIGNED:

MUHSIN MUHAMMAD, WR: I love this. Moose might not do shit, like he did with the Bears last year, but I love Muhammad when he played for the Panthers. He complimented Steve Smith as good as Keyshaun ever did, and with far less talk. I like Moose and I think he just wants to finish his career here after seeing what a lost cause Chicago really is. Hopefully, he'll pull a few defenders off Smith and we'll see more passes this year. Fingers-crossed.

NOTE: I'm a HUGE advocate for long hair, but that picture of Carr should be evidence enough that he shouldn't be playing in the NFL. I can't believe he never complained about his eyeliner getting smeared or his coif getting mussed when he spent 90% of the time on his back in the pocket. He's too pretty for football.